“You’re afraid of not fitting in; of what others will think of you. Not sure of what and who you are, you see something you like in someone else and try it on for a while. But, it never sticks because it’s not who you are.” ~Flora
Aren’t those words so true? It’s NOT who you are. I have struggled my whole life with this. I have never really known what it is that I like. My answer to ‘what is your favorite…’ was always that I don’t have any favorites. In recent years, I’ve given a consorted effort to seeing what my favorites are- they’re a part of who I am! Yet, even now, as I’m in my mid-thirties, I struggle with this. I’m plagued by not knowing what I want and how and who I want to be (or actually AM). A friend of mine has been showing how she’s embracing her true style (mostly in her home decorating) and I’m baffled. HOW does she do that? She knows exactly what she likes and hunts down items that bring that style into her home. On my side, I see her embracing her style and think to myself, ‘oooh. I like that. I should try that. How can I make my house look like that?’ and so on. I realize it’s not fair to myself. It’s not fair to her! Her style is uniquely her, not me. In my head, I know it’s fine enough to use her style to INSPIRE me but not to mimic completely. Somehow though, I get caught up in trying to embrace someone else’s something and drift away from any work I’m accomplished in embracing my own self.
I know a few of my favorites:
Staring at the stars
Chipmunks and Penguins (and I love seeing groundhogs here and there)
But, those aren’t what plague me. I have lost sight of my hobbies- or maybe I haven’t lost sight but have let go of those activities I THOUGHT were me. I used to do ceramics and jewelry making, dancing and singing, baking, reading and even the physical activities like exercising and soccer, stretching and yoga. I used to LOVE doing all of those and yet none of them bring my any joy anymore.
I want to not worry about what people think of me. I want to walk confidently into a room knowing just who I am and just what I am. To be free to cast any (assumed) judgement aside and embrace living in the here and now… that would be something, wouldn’t it?
My hope, as I embark on finding who I am, is that over the next few months is to try new activities, be adventurous and open to new things- foods, hobbies, clothing styles, and more. I want to really assess what brings me joy, what makes me feel alive and then find ways to regularly bring those into my life.
Since first beginning this post, and saving it as a draft for quite some time, I’ve come to realization that I deeply and immensely enjoy DOING. I enjoy helping others by physically doing things for them. I love volunteering my time and helping in more tangible ways. It brings me joy to coordinate volunteer opportunities and to collect donates when a crisis occurs. I’m learning to accept that sitting to knit or jewelry make is not going to bring me joy in my current phase of life.
As much as I love volunteering, I’m finding that I’m not quite fulfilled. I’m eager for something more and I know I won’t rest until I’ve found out what it is. That’s where the trying new things and being open to new adventures will come into play. I’m ready to find out who I am, to love her dearly and embrace her fully.